“Stomach Issues”

There was a time in my life where my world revolved all around me.  I am very sure there are many days that I tend to look at myself and what I want and need, before I look to Christ and get focused on what He desires for my life.  

 I grew up in a Christian home, with amazing parents.  My parents loved me and told me I was beautiful everyday when I was growing up.  My dad never ceased to pay attention to me, and both parents were at every event I was apart of from childhood, and on through college.  

 I came to know the Lord at a very young age.  The Lord called me early in my life to be a believer. I would say that around age 14 I truly began to know and want to know more of the Lord.  I involved myself in Bible studies, had a mentor, and eventually became a key leader in my youth group and church.  I then began to lead Bible studies and discipleship groups.  I was extremely involved in school, as well.  Seemingly, I had it all together- amazing parents, amazing extended family, good friends, and wonderful church, and most of all, a great relationship with Christ.  When I was 16, one of my very good friends from Junior High, whom I dearly loved, passed away.  My friend seemingly passed away from an eating disorder.  This was a shock to many of my friends.  At 16, it is hard to wrap your mind around a friend’s death.  At this time of my life I had begun dieting.  No one really knew, or really noticed until after my friend passed away.  After this it seemed as though everyone became more aware of what was going on around them.  After withholding food from myself all day long, one of my friends noticed that I almost passed out in one of my classes and told my mother.  My Mom worked at the high school in which I attended, and after hearing this, made me come sit in her office and eat lunch everyday.  After this embarrassing time, I decided (or to everyone it seemed) to start eating again.  I still had my tricks at dinner time, or at times would not eat as much as I should, but for the most part, with my family watching me like I did, I ate.  My senior year of high school I was very obsessed with my weight.  To no one’s knowledge but myself I kept a journal filled with pictures of extremely skinny girls and women whom I longed to look like.  I still had a relationship with Christ at this time, but I tricked myself into believing this is what He wanted for me, too.  He wanted me to be skinny. 

 As time wore on, I became obsessed with working out.  If I was not running or doing something to that affect, I became very hard on myself.  I would scrutinize everything about what I ate, how many calories I might have taken in and what I had not burned off at the gym or running.  I did not have significant weight loss until my freshmen year of college.  My freshmen year of college was different.  I no longer had my parents watching what I was eating, or telling me to eat more.  Instead, I had a cafeteria where no one really watched what you ate, or for that matter cared.  On top of it all, the food was not my favorite, so it was easy to skip meals.  At first it was just to lose a bit of weight.  I refused to be that person that gained the so-called “freshmen 15″.  I also had a gym there and we could go as often as we liked.  I could go to class, go to the gym, go to class, take a nap, and then go work out again.  My boyfriend at that time was an athlete at the school and many times I could get another workout in because he had to do the same.  As time went on, I went into more denial about becoming much smaller than I had ever been.  I did not see a problem with not eating, and got to the point where it was normal.  Right before Christmas break of Freshmen year, I became very sick.  It felt like a stomach virus, but I could just never get well.  Even if I wanted to eat, nothing sounded good.  I remember calling my mom and saying, “Mom, I think I am sick”.  Due to this “sickness” I lost a substantial amount of weight.  Even at that point, I don’t think I realized what I was truly dealing with.  My mother ended up taking me to the hospital to get some tests run.  Come to find out my stomach was only processing food at 10-15 percent of what a normal stomach should.  I remember they asked my mom to leave the room and then said, “Ashley, do you have an eating disorder”?  I quickly answered no very defensively, and said I just had “stomach problems”.  This seemed to be what my family quickly coined my eating disorder as- “stomach issues”.  

 The next four years were a battle.  I did not see a need to get better, other than the threat that my parents would send me somewhere to get better if I did not start eating.  Begrudgingly, I started eating more, but there was no heart change.  I would pour into my Bible and journal and read and want so badly for the Lord to speak to my heart and to make me better…but there was one thing I was unwilling to do…let the Lord change and control my heart.  I went to numerous counselors about the issues I had.  I remember at one point, my college boyfriend pointed out the state of my health to me.  I was dressed up to go to a lunch with my dad.  I had a spaghetti strap shirt on and a little black cardigan over it.  I remember I was all ready to go, and he took me to his bathroom to look in the mirror and said “Look at yourself, Ash.  Tell me what you see.  Do you see your bones??” I believe that was the first time I saw myself through the lenses in which everyone else was seeing.  I would like to say right after this that my heart changed, but it wasn’t immediate.  I do believe that was the start of the Lord waking my soul up to see what I was doing was sinful.  Through a series of different events, the Lord brought me to a church that had a recovery support group. Through many different means, the Lord brought me to a place where I could see my sin for what it was- idolatry. 

 The Lord began to woo me to Himself.  He showed me who I was in Him.  Not who I was longing to be, not the perfect image on every magazine in which I wanted to attain so badly.  I did not have to be perfect.  In fact, He died for me on the cross many, many years ago, and knew long ago the sin issues I would deal with.  He still chose me.  My value did not come from some attainment of a weight goal, but rather from my Jesus.  It was a hard realization to me, that the Lord would love me no matter how far I had gone with my sin issue, and that no matter how much I might have chosen myself over Him, He still chose me and died for me and wanted me to run to Him…not some weight loss goal that I felt would end with perfection.   

 In the end, there are still days that this old sin issue rears it’s ugly head, but my God has made me more than a conqueror through Him.  He is so very sweet and eager to take our sins upon his back and heal us from our pain.  He loves us so much and longs fir us to run to him. He has saved me from myself!!! PRAISE HIS NAME!!!